I Don't Need A Man, explained

blogged on May 26, 2009

There was an episode a few years ago when someone asked me, on Nicole's behalf, what I wanted.  I joked that I had not gotten laid in awhile and if she had money for it, she could send me a hooker.  I know that sounds bizarre but "little wife" from "Get Over Yourself" should have figured this one out.  The only requirement was that it not be her.  Keep in mind, people were telling me Nicole was engaged to this guy or was getting married to another guy and wanted to know what I thought about that.  She and I were supposed to get together later, and the first priority I had was to eliminate my evil sister because she had interfered too much in my life and almost screwed up the first saving of this world.  This is on top of the fact that she did try to get every single one of her scummy boyfriends to take me out.  That is the bizarre reality of SBK.  They all want me to die.

Leora could not help at all and even went so far as to try and seduce my roommate, whom she had no clue was her brother. The last thing I needed was to have to deal with that type of incestuous nonsense.  The soap opera was complicated enough as it was.  She did not know he was her brother; she just wanted to get involved and screw my roommate.  If only my shape-shifting Dad had a clue years ago, but then again he is a shape-shifter so he has changes of heart and mind all the time.  Gemini Moon only makes it worse.  My Mom was trying to tell her all this time, "Leave him alone."  My Mom had mentioned several times she thought my sister was confusing me.  That would be an understatement.  She would probably want to take credit for what I accomplished.  Her lies often make it sound like I copied her when she in fact has copied me.

Anyway, the first ho that showed up looked like a hermaphrodite to me.  I think she had male pectoral implants instead of standard breast implants and her attitude was all wrong.  She opened her trench coat in the hallway to reveal herself and had this "Don't you want some of this" attitude.  Thanks, ho.  I'm the Messiah; you are alive because of me.  How dare you come to my abode and act like I'm some dick that would screw a very experienced looking hermaphrodite?  On your knees, or at least be a little discreet about it.

You-know-who called up later and wanted to know why I did not like the gift.  I do not remember my exact words but I did let her know I was not interested in that gift.  I was also in the process of contacting Turakian Bitch and getting my sister eliminated.  I told people long ago, even though my sister HAD TO DIE I could not kill her myself.  Unfortunately, you-know-who had gotten word that I had made contact with Victoria and got jealous.  You-know-who was going to do something about it.  But as she always does, she was going to do it completely wrong.

Sometime after that, based on a subsequent conversation, I knew a "new package" was going to arrive that day.  Unfortunately, I got on the phone with my evil sister that day and she drove me up the wall as Satan Bitch Khomeini always does.  That day I was ready to kill.  If I could reach through the phone and kill her I would have.  She was doing her typical evil victim routine and blaming my deceased Mother for everything.  She was not following any of the things my Dad and I had told her and was causing a lot of painful drama.  She was a disaster after my Mom died.  A parasite needs a host.

Just a bit after I got off the phone with She-Haman there was a knock at the door and I opened it.  Nicole had stepped back and to the right and was standing there in a trench coat.  Without saying a word she opened it revealing a two piece outfit that might as well have been made out of dental floss.  My brain froze as I looked her over.  She looked really tasty but I could not shift gears mentally, and besides I specifically said that this present was not supposed to be her.  If I had taken her inside I thought I might hurt her.  You have to understand; Victoria was supposed to do what was scandalous, not Nicole.  Nicole the star, Victoria the queen.  But in retrospect, these two could not even get their roles straight so there is only so much I could do about it.  Surprising guys, especially me, at the wrong time can have serious consequences.

I struggled to say something to Nicole; I felt I was palming the world in one hand and trying to keep the plan in place without offending her.  I remember saying "This is not a good time."  In retrospect, that is really funny to me but it came from moment of mental anguish.  Thinking outside the box and not following instructions are not the same thing.  Sometimes they are, but not always.  So many girls just not following my lead has been what drives me insane.  Girls.  My weakness.  But if I reward bad behavior then it sets the wrong precedent and I would really have only myself to blame, right?

I walked past her.  Most guys would have taken her inside and had their way with her; the rest would have jumped her in the hallway and not cared who saw what.  She took this as a personal rejection, but I was just showing her that you have to do what I tell you in order to gain my love and respect.

She explained on June 30, 2006 that this episode was the motivation for "I Don't Need a Man" and why PCD was dressed in trench coats (secret agent prostitutes) for the "Wait A Minute" video.  Can they now explain why they could not help me in person and do no better than point at me from stage as people tried to kill me on the Back to Basics tour?  No, not really.  They really have no good excuse.  I gave them plenty of time.

Since when does Jimmy Iovine run my life?

Nicole, you should have sent Beyonce Knowles.