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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Tele-Jesus

posted on December 26, 2009

Me: Welcome to Tele-Jesus, my radio call in show.  I'm the Messiah and I'm here to take your calls.

Me: Caller?  Are you there?

VO: Hi.  Are you really Jesus in the flesh?

Me: Yes.  Anything else?

VO: Are you God?

Me: No.  I am His servant.  He tells me what to do.

VO: How do miracles happen?

Me: Only God could explain that.

VO: Thanks, Jesus.

Me: Next caller.

VO: You are so full of sh..

Me: Sorry, folks.  We trying to screen these calls.  No doubt some people hate me for some reason.  Do we have another caller on the line?

VO: Hey, man.  Can you save me?

Me: What's wrong with you?

VO: I dunno.

Me: Call me back when you figure that out.   Anyone else there?

VO: Are you Neo?

Me: In 1996, I called these the "Neo Biblical Times."  Movie makers called me Neo in the movies.  No one calls me Neo in person.  Some people think I am like John Conner from the Terminator.

VO: Is that why the Governator wanted you killed?

Me: That's funny.  I don't think Arnold wanted me killed.

VO: Do you think Keanu did a good job?

Me: Yeah.   I thought that might impress his cousin.  She apparently got the wrong impression and thought I liked being shot.

VO: Another question.  Are these the end times?

Me: Yes, as best as I can tell.   God is the ultimate authority on that.  Next, please.

VO: What is the Archangel Gabriel like?

Me: He loves people.  His voice changes depending on whose body he inhabits.  He has a great laugh.  Sometimes I think he sounds like Terry Jones from Monty Python.  Anything else?

VO: You need a blow job.

Me: Yeah, no kidding.  Next!

VO: What about you and Denise Richards?

Me: Too late for that.  And besides, why would I want to babysit Charlie Sheen's kids?

VO: Are we being watched?

Me: We are all under constant surveillance, if you know what I mean.  Another caller?

VO: Why do you speak in parables and riddles?

Me: Is that not what you expect?

VO: I still don't believe you.

Me: That's your choice.  But as I indicated before, make up your minds soon because time IS running out.

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