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Friday, November 19, 2010

Because it's her birthday

posted on January 12, 2010

Today is Tamar Katznelson's birthday.  This must be the only day I wish I was back in Los Angeles.  I would be at my Mother's grave site.  There are so many people I know buried at Hillside Memorial, the most recent being Ted Tobias, my Dad the shape-shifter and the biggest fool that ever lived.

I will always think of my Mother in the most glorious terms but there were several things about her that are less than perfect and should be known to all.  I am sure she would not want this discussed in a public forum, but for everyone's good I feel it necessary to talk about it.

This would be the worst part of our relationship. 

Back to 1996.

While I was living at Geoff's place, doing everything to save all of you, I finally came to grips with the fact that Geoff is my half-brother, James to my Jesus, and determined whom his father is.  As dispassionately as possible, I counseled Geoff on the truth of his other half-family.  By now you should know that Geoff's adopted mother, Maxine Sonnenburg is about the most loathsome, litigious, old bat there is.  Also, since she defied me her parents died just when I said they would.  But there were more things Geoff had to know.  His real father is a Holocaust survivor.  He probably doesn't want to know about Geoff at all.  The rest of the Ward family is worth knowing.  Because I am very visual, it was extremely painful to imagine my Mother with this man.

As painful as they may be, buried lies will never be healed unless they are uncovered.  Even if the entire world is against me, I still stand for the truth. 

Please remember the warning of the Messiah I stated June 30, 2006: 

"The longer you take, the worse it gets."

After Geoff and I discussed what was going on, and why everyone around was "in the way" I decide to talk to my Mother.  Obviously, she could confirm what I already had figured out.

I went up to the house on Martin Lane and spoke to her alone in the dinette area...

Me: Mom, I want to talk to you about something.

She sits down in the chair against the wall and looks at me with a plaintive look.

Me: Is Geoff my brother?

Mom: What do you think?

Me: I think he is!

Mom: Then maybe he is.

Me: Mom! Why won't you give me a straight answer?

Mom: What do you want me to tell you?

Me: I want you to tell me the truth!

Mom: What am I supposed to say?

Me: I'm going to take as a "yes."

She refuses to continue the conversation and gets up, and changes the subject.  I speak a few more words with her, and then leave.  It obviously is a real quandary for her. For many reasons my parents wanted me to move out of that place several months before.  They really did not understand the big picture and why it was that I needed to be there.  As I drove away I understand it's such a scandal she can't tell me the truth.  On some level I understand that after so many years of covering up the truth, that coming clean on the subject is next to impossible.  I realized in many ways we had all been living a lie in the family and that's why certain things were the way they were in my family.  So many confusing events in my early life started to make sense.  Even though this situation is about as bizarre as can be imagined I also realize there were much bigger problems for all of us, everyone in the world, to deal with. 

I went back to Geoff's house to let him know the content of the conversation with our Mother.  He seems to get it, all the how's and why's, and that my Mother did indirectly confirm that she was Geoff's mother.

So where does that leave Roman Ward?  Do you think that I, and the rest of the world, has a right to know the truth here?  People who had no emotional attachment to the situation seemed eager to tell me the truth about my relationship to Geoff.  Isn't about time we found out, from Roman Ward himself, if he was having an affair with my Mother or whether he raped her?  I would certainly like to find out once and for all.  I don't really care what anyone else thinks about this; it's time we really found out the truth because I am beyond holding onto everyone's secrets.  All these lies and illusions are not helping us out at all anymore. 

As I have said before, I have nothing to lose.

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