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Thursday, November 4, 2010

God and Xtina

for your digestion on July 23, 2009

GOD: Hey, little bitch, get over here!

Xtina: What?

GOD: What the Hell do you think you're doing?

Xtina: I'm the spokesperson for world hunger.

GOD: Explain!

Xtina: One morning my baby woke me up because he was hungry, and I thought he is probably not the only hungry baby in the world.

GOD: Good thing you woke up.  How old is that baby, if you remember?

Xtina: He's, like, eighteen months old now.

GOD: The Messiah is supposed to be your Number One Priority, not waiting for the witches' curses to come true.  The Messiah could have died many times before you did something that made ANY SENSE!

Xtina: Where is he?

GOD: He left California, after getting screwed up too many times, waiting for you to pretend you care.  How dare you wait until he got so sick and repeatedly humiliated?

Xtina: Tell him he is the father.

GOD: Am I talking to Jenny McCarthy now?  Do I look like Nicole?

Xtina: Well...

GOD: You are retarded!

Xtina: Can I make a suggestion?  It's not politically correct to use the term "retarded."

GOD: For you "retarded" IS politically correct.  You should have done something THAT MADE SENSE IN PERSON a year ago.

Xtina: I thought one of those "girls" might want to get busy with the Messiah.  So I could pretend I was spending more time with the kid.

GOD: Girls care about money and muscles and getting him to prove he is just like other guys.  They should treat him like a King for the last thirteen years.  I find it inexplicable that world is taking that long to realize Ruhollah Khomeini is A SUPER RELIGIOUS VERSION OF HITLER!!  I have explicitly told him not to take an ounce of crap from any of you, ever again.  What about Gwen Stefani, what is she doing?

Xtina: I don't know what to say.

GOD: Figures.

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