for your edification on December 12, 2009
That much is for sure.
For years it does seem like Christmas is just an empty time for me; walking around like a happy idiot while people go about their business at Christmas time. There are many who find meaning in the holiday; I certainly cannot disagree with "peace on earth, goodwill toward all." But I cannot help the fact the hole inside just keeps getting bigger.
Let me take you back to Christmas 2006.
There was a Christmas party at Marina Harbor. Even though I was beginning to find myself somewhere between not wanting to go out and wanting to find clues about what had been going on there "behind my back" for years, I chose to go to the party at the complex because that is the neighborly thing to do. Was it a good idea?
That Christmas seemed about the strangest I had yet experienced. It was Christmas and I was treated with a lot of mistrust by people. It seemed a lot of people were avoiding me as if I was dangerous. I also remember many people averting their glances perhaps because they could tell, on some level, that I am the guy this holiday is about and they weren't sure if they should wish me "Happy Birthday?" I have also encountered a lot of sentiment that would be expressed as "Why is he alone? There must be something wrong with him." Were people jealous I had moved into a really good location at the end of the channel?
No one seemed interested in talking to me. I sat at one point and attempted to start a conversation with my neighbors. When people consistently treat me as an embarrassment or unwanted I begin to feel that way even though I really shouldn't be. As is the case in many situations, I can begin talking to people who are LEAST aware (as in completely UNAWARE) of who I am. Their sentiment must be more like, "Oh, it's the new guy. He seems friendly. Let's hear what he has to say."
I could only put up with so much of that. There was so much unease all around, it made me feel uneasy. If I were to express how I felt deep down (read sarcastically) "Hey! Sorry my mere presence is ruining your Christmas. You think I'm giving you nightmares? Just imagine how incredibly surreal this night is for ME!"
And it keeps getting worse...