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Thursday, December 9, 2010

Angie, Billie and the Magic Rabbit

from June 21, 2010
 
Once upon a time there was a vicious and immoral pig named Angie and a very shrewd and wealthy weasel named Billie.  One day they were talking to each other and they heard a chicken say the sky was falling and animals from above the sky were going to kill all the animals in the land.

Billie became nervous because he knew if this happened he would lose everything. Angie the pig was also concerned because she knew if she died she would not be able to have sex with anyone anymore.  The two of them decided that they had to do something to keep the sky from falling and being invaded by the animals from above the sky.

One day a horse told the pig and the weasel that there was a magical rabbit who was meeting with some chicks in a meadow.  The horse told Angie and Billie that the rabbit had a plan to stop the sky from falling and stop the animals from above the sky from invading.  The horse said she believed the rabbit could help.  A lot of people had tried to kill the rabbit and he had fought the animals from above the sky before, and since the rabbit was still alive, she was sure his plan could work.

Angie and Billie thought the whole idea was stupid.  The horse pleaded with them to believe in the magical rabbit and told them if they helped the rabbit he would reward them.  Billie the weasel thought about this for a bit and then came to the conclusion he really had nothing to lose by believing the rabbit.  If it worked, he and Angie and the other animals would be saved.  They did not have many alternatives anyway so why not at least try it?

After Billie and Angie realized they might as well try listening to what the rabbit had to say, without actually talking to him in person, they decided they would do what they could to help.  A snake relayed a message to Billie and to Angie after they had told an ox to ask the rabbit what he wanted them to do.

They heard the rabbit, who seemed very smart, say he could change into many different animal forms while he slept if the weasel and pig believed he could do it.  All they had to do was close their eyes and pretend really hard that the rabbit could become other animals and consume the animals above the sky.  Despite their hesitancy, they did just that.

The rabbit had sent the following message to Angie and Billie.  He wanted them to do things that would prove they heard him and believed him.  It was a lot like making a deal.  If the rabbit saved them then they would have to do what the rabbit said.  Billie had to give away a lot of his money to people who had a lot less money then Billie. The rabbit called this "pulling a noble."  And to Angie he sent the message she had to adopt a baby from another country.

Both of them thought these were foolish ideas but if they lived and were not consumed by the animals from above the sky they thought maybe the watcher of they skies would look kindly on them for showing their appreciation to the rabbit.  The rabbit also told them if they did what he said they would become really, really popular.

After a few months of pretending, the sky did not fall the way the chicken had feared. After a few years passed, Billie and Angie got to work on the things the rabbit told them to do.  It turned out very well for both of them.  Angie became really, really popular.  She kept adopting babies and only acted like a vicious, immoral pig about half the time.  Most people only cared about the good things she did and she became the most popular animal in the world, despite the fact she was still a vicious and immoral pig on the inside.  She made movies showcasing her viciousness and immorality.  But those were just movies.

Billie, on the other hand, found a wife who was more than willing to show him how to give away his money.  Soon people stopped associating Billie with Darth Vader and thought of him as a really nice man, who out of the kindness of his heart, had "pulled a noble."  Even though he gave away vast sums of money he didn't seem any worse off.  In fact, he traveled and feasted with more rich and famous animals than ever before.  People thanked Billie profusely for what he did and his name was inscribed just about everywhere so everyone would know what a good citizen Billie was.

Many more people tried to kill the rabbit and he became very poor.  Women stole his seeds, planted them, and harvested them without asking the rabbit's permission.  Billie and Angie never thought about thanking the rabbit personally so most people in the land never believed the rabbit existed at all.

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