What if it goes down like this?

shared on August 30, 2010

It is Judgment Day.  All souls are arranged to witness the trials of different groups and individuals.  Everyone has to wait for a very long time, at least ten years.  What you do during that wait has an affect on the outcome.

A certain individual is brought forward.  I am seated on a throne balanced on small islands surrounded by water.  Beams of light from above shine down on me and wonderful flowers that look like lotus flowers spring forth and float and spin in the water.

Guy: What's going on?

Me: I am getting ready to pass judgment on you.  There is no need to state your name for the record; we all know who you are.

Guy: Did I do do something wrong?

Me: I will be the judge of that.  Were you fair and honest in your business dealings?

Guy: Sure.

Me: We have plenty of evidence to the contrary.  Please replay for this person the events to which I am referring.

The man watches a replay of many events in his life where he was unscrupulous.

Me: What do you have to say for yourself?

Guy: I tried my best.

Me: I see.  How many times did you use the term "Jesus Fucking Christ?"

Guy: I don't know.

An alabaster white figure whispers to me.

Me: Really?  Are you certain that is accurate?

Angelic Scorekeeper: Yes, mi-lord it is.

Me: According to my supernatural friend here you used the term "Jesus Fucking Christ" 29,678 times.

Guy: Huh?

Me: Why would you even consider using the term "Jesus Fucking Christ" even one time, let alone 29,678 times?

Guy: I was angry.  I didn't mean it personally.

Me: So you thought I would forgive you?

Guy: Uhhhhh

Me: You really did not even consider the possibility that anyone listened or cared about using my name as a curse?

Guy: Uhhhh

Me: How many times did you pray with others in a proper house of worship?  I will not go into how little you contributed of your income to worthwhile charities.  Clearly you were woefully deficient in that area.

Guy: I wasn't really religious.

Me: How many times was it?

Angelic figure whispers to me.

Me: According to those that pay attention you prayed with all your heart, all your soul, all your might a total of seventeen times.  Each time you were expecting some kind of monetary reward for doing so.  That is shameful.

Guy: (gulp)

Me: Just so we are clear about what was important and what was not, how many times did you take the name of the Heavenly Father in vain?  You know; using the word "God" followed by the word "damn" or some other vile curse word.

Angel leans in and tells me. 

Me: What!?  311,978,629 times!  WHY DO I FIND THAT NUMBER SO DISTUUUURBING?  LAKE OF FIRE!

Guy: But, but...

Me: I SAID LAKE OF FIRE...NOW!!!

A pillar of fire quickly descends and consumes the individual in front of me.

Me: Next!

A older man walks in slowly.

Him: Jesus Christ, is that you?

Me: Another Catholic fucking priest. This should be amusing.  Read the charges!