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Wednesday, December 8, 2010

If I talked to Xtina the way Nicole talked to me on June 30, 2006

added June 1, 2010

Me: What is your problem?

Xtina: Ben?

Me: Does your Mom know Michael Jackson was a serial child molester?

Xtina: He was never convicted.

Me: Irrelevant.  Why is Suge Knight still running around knifing hoes and pulling guns on poor kids?  Is there anything more pathetic than a really old and lame gangster?  He should be executed, right?

Xtina: No comment.

Me: If I told you that you will die on this upcoming tour, would Jordan let you cancel it?

Xtina: Huh?

Me: Why do you let Jordan, the lost Jonas Brother, molest my kid?

Xtina: He doesn't do that!

Me:  How do you know?  You're never there.  He walks around naked in front of my child.  WHY?!

Xtina: (sobs)

Me: Is Jodie Foster still the Queen of the Gay Mafia or is Madonna running the Gay Mafia now?

Xtina: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: You are like John Edwards, right?  You think everyone is stupid!  You think we can't tell paternity based on what a kid looks like.  You are so damn lame!  I wrote the Gay Mafia joke around the same time I wrote the joke about you giving me a blow job.  But as everyone should have figured out by now I frog-leapt way past you giving me a blow job.  YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO RESPECT ME!  YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO ACCOMMODATE ME IN A MEANINGFUL WAY, NOT SIT AROUND WITH YOUR THUMB UP YOUR ASS WHILE I TRIED TO HOLD ONTO MY PROPERTY!  YOU SHOULD HAVE SOLD EVERYTHING, HANDED IT OVER TO ME, AND DONE EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO!  WHAT COMBINATION OF LAZY, IGNORANT, EVIL, AND STUPID ARE YOU?  The only thing you did right was the "Silly Ho" routine on Ellen.  Women with implants should NOT breast feed, RIGHT!?  Is Jodie Foster still in charge of the Gay Mafia or is it Madonna?  Do you want to run the Gay Mafia?  Will Ellen let you run the Gay Mafia?  Do you need Oprah's permission? 

Xtina: No Comment.

Me: Why in the world did We chose you to mother a child?  You are not fit to be a mother, of my child or anyone else's.  Do you think Britney Spears would have been a better choice?

Xtina: Britney does not need any more kids.

Me: You got that right.  Do you think Britney should get "fixed?"

Xtina: No comment.

Me: My friend says Louis Hamilton is going to die soon.  Why is Lewis Hamilton going to die soon?  Explain!

Xtina: He is?

Me: Chad Ochocinco is going to have a career ending injury.  What week of the season is that going to happen?

Xtina: Why?

Me: When did Gwen Stefani first have sex with Jimmy Iovine?

Xtina: Wait...

Me: What does Jimmy Iovine taste like?  Have you met Kobe?  What does Kobe taste like?

Xtina: No!

Me: Why is Kobe going to get testicular cancer?

Xtina: Huh?

Me: My friend told me a few years ago that would happen, so it's gonna happen anyway.  Have you had your double mastectomy yet?  You got cancer, right?

Xtina: That was Christina Applegate.

Me: Sorry, I get all you Pussycat hoes confused.  It's not like you are important to me or anything.

Me: Why do you hate Jesus?

Xtina: I don't.

Me: What the fuck is wrong with you?  Who wrote "Party in the U.S.A." and "Magical Mysteries?"

Xtina: huh?

Me:  It's a simple question!  I'll ask it again really slowly because you are obviously brain dead.  What - The - Fuck - Is - Wrong - With - You?  Explain!  The world wants to know.  They have the right to know what the fuck is wrong with you!  Why did Jodie Foster want President Reagan killed?  Just because she lied her ass off in court does not mean she is not culpable.  Just because she doesn't want to talk about it doesn't mean she is innocent.  WE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW WHY SHE THOUGHT SHE COULD GET AWAY WITH GETTING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ASSASSINATED!!!

Xtina: There's nothing wrong.

Me: What's the deal with Kathy Ireland?  She doesn't really love Jesus.  She's like Denise Richards, just older and richer.

Xtina: Are you calling Kathy Ireland a bimbo?

Me: Exactly.  You catch on fast.  All of this could have been averted if I had killed Nicole CurseZinger "Eden's Crush Style" years ago.  But I didn't have the gun and I was not provided the right time and place to do so.  Why is it Nicole is getting everything she wanted on June 30, 2006 and NONE of the things I said had to happen to AVERT THE END OF THE WORLD have happened?  More people should be horrified at what Steve Fossett's death REALLY meant.  How long do you think that will be covered up?  Where is Victoria?  Where is Kamil?  WHERE IS NEELAM?

Xtina: I don't know what you're talking about.

Me: What does Steve Fossett taste like?  Didn't Nicole report back to you?  You're the one who gave her advanced training in blow-jobs, right?  Where is the Church Lady now?

Xtina: I just sex Jordan, and that's all I'm gonna say for now.

Me: Stop lying!  Only the ignorant masses are duped by your ludicrous shows.  The Church Lady lives on in the Body of Christ!

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