The way to a man's heart...

posted on March 26, 2009

IS THROUGH HIS STOMACH!!!

Okay, bitches listen up!

I have already received food and shelter FROM HOMELESS WOMEN!

Putting it out there, flirting, convincing me other guys are into you, telling me you love me, being incredibly late, giving me unsolicited advice, lending an open ear, convincing me you have good body parts, bragging about whom you've had sex with, jokes, avoiding me, running into another man's arms, telling me you might be gay, dirty talk, DOESN'T MEAN SHIT TO ME IF I AM STARVING.

I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ALL ARE.

Why do I like girl's butts so much? It's the part of your anatomy I see the most when you turn your back on me or run away.

GET A CLUE!

Dear God,

I wonder sometimes...

You told me I was the Messiah.  Then I awoke with a black dot on my cheek.  I would never doubt you could do what you said you would do in the Book of Isaiah.

Several years before that Jodie Foster said I was the Messiah, but then asked me if I could walk on water and all that stuff.  Last thing I remember her saying, "I'm gonna have your baby."

Jon Turteltaub told a group of my friends I was the Messiah when I recalled the "Merry-go-round" dream from before I was born.

Why does no one else call me the Messiah?  Since when did "King" get reduced to "brother?"  Why does everyone want from me when, in fact, they all owe me?  What is wrong with this world that you and I can fix? 

I have had this APOCALYPSE thing on my back forever.

You know what you're gonna do; just do it!