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Friday, October 8, 2010

Notes on a Boarding Pass

Reposted from the blog of July 3, 2008

I know one day this will all seem like a insane joke to people but these are things that happened.  I had left Louisville before the big fireworks show.  I know that some folks might believe that if there are voices in my head then I must be crazy.  If anything, it only proves I am mortal and that when there are messages coming from beyond and signals in the sky and on the ground and people say some very rude things that is enough to drive a person, even me, over the edge.  After taking one in the neck and few too many ladies saying the wrong thing to me I decided to leave early.  There was plenty of time to catch up to me.  I also reasoned that since there was not much movement on the other side I still had a chance to finish up some of the "side bets" I had made.  I had a hard time watching. The scam artists that had gotten my phone number were not going to let up anytime soon.  Which woman that came to my room that said, "Hello, sir.  Stay SUUUUUUCK." was I supposed to believe?

I left Rusty the teddy bear from Bear Heaven behind.  There just wasn't room in the bags anymore.  I knew there was little time left so I made every minute count.  Thinking there was some time left I went home to see if my Dad was willing to fund the last leg of this journey.  He wasn't and when I indicated to him the sale of my Jeep Liberty meant something bad for him his irises went sky blue.  There were a group of three people that passed by a second time.  The young woman was crying and it mirrored how I felt inside.  I told this thing I call my Dad I was selling it anyway. 

My Dad is a pretty feeble person in many ways which is in stark contrast to how many of the people who know him for a long time perceive him.  He moves slowly now.  However, when I had driven the short distance around the drive at his condominium complex I saw his Cadillac outside.  Based on what everyone knows about him it was impossible for him to beat me to the exit, and yet he did.  I am still trying to figure out how a feeble old man could have made it out the gate before I did without seeing his car.  He calls me on my cell phone and yells "It's not fair!"  Look who's talking!  Even the most evil things beg for mercy when they realize they are doomed. I am the one who should be yelling "It's not fair!"

I sold my Jeep Liberty back to the dealership.  This transaction takes a long time and I made an off-hand joke about the Pope's old VW.  We agree to a fair price for the Liberty and a man comes in speaking a fast-clipped foreign tongue I assume is Russian.  The two guys from the dealership look at me and him back and forth.  I assume this guy wants my vehicle.  When I get the check I receive a very hearty handshake from the dealer.  I conclude he is going to sell my vehicle right away.
I schedule the trip to Raleigh, NC.  I book the nicest room yet on the whole tour.  I find the "bless your little heart" guy and tell him the same thing.  Somehow I lose $7,000 in an $8,000 bank transfer and this makes me really mad.  At one point I go outside to smoke a cigarette and just like a scene out of a move the Tick of Satan emerges from the darkness, jumps up my leg and bites me on the thigh.  It hits the ground and its whole body swells up and then shrivels.  When it shrivels it looks just like the bathing mitt my sister had given me and I had used in the bathtub at my old home; prophecy fulfilled.  It was so bizarre I just left the tick there.

Lyme Disease is not a joke.  I have had some problems over the years since I had been on medication and my former upstairs neighbor had tried to cook me alive in the sauna.  I still had many things on my mind and the pain was crushing.  Two maids came to the door and asked me if I was okay.  I thought someone I knew should have shown up so I turned those two away.  I need privacy to prepare miracles, if you know what I mean. What did I have to lose?

I get to the home of the Hurricanes in plenty of time for the show.  The people there made a very good impression on me.  After I took my seat some very good looking ladies sat to my right.  Those were not their seats and a group of men kindly asked them to leave so they could have their seats.  A bit later two very cute "bi-curious sisters" sit to my left.  We struck up a conversation and took a shine to each other.  The first two acts were fine but we really wanted to see what Christina had in store.  At some point she did the pogo in front of our section and I looked at the men to my right.  We exchanged knowing glances and I understood that my latest trick was, in fact, a success.

I left town as early as I could, much like the bi-curious sisters left during Fighter.  I notice an unusual couple that is on the same flight.  Somehow I was seated next to the woman and her escort was given the seat on the other side of the aisle.  He looks at me and without hesitation I let him have my seat next to his partner in the grey hoodie.  He falls asleep and I make a mark on a piece of paper telling her who I am in Chinese.  This startles her and apparently some of the punctures on her lower lip start to bleed.  The cloud tube saves us about 45 minutes in the air and I testify on the tarmac that this is what I call "escort service."  I get to Lot C and somehow my car had been driven off the lot, even though I distinctly remember setting the alarm.  In a few days I had gone from two cars to none.

That's my life.  What can I say? 

It's complicated. 

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