If you were me. . .

From the posted version of May 4, 2008

If you were me, and you got nothing you needed out of life, and everyone in your homeland only took from you and gave you almost nothing in return and you had to choose a wife, whom would you choose?  Your Dad is a shape-shifter and your sister is a lunatic.

Choice Number One:

The Girl who did nothing wrong.  She is really cute but her eyes and teeth are highly unusual.  Like your Dad's.  She is about half your age.

Choice Number Two:

The Girl who did nothing.  Extremely sexy.  A masochist and a really bad liar.  Her boyfriend killed Biggie Smalls and shot you three times point blank in the back and the ass.  She does not keep close tabs on him.  She is into Tupak and Jay-Z; does not like LL Cool J and Snoop.  She tells you she's from India but she is really Persian.  You were warned 30 years ago she is "Queen of the Apocalypse."  Her mom is a lunatic.

Choice Number Three:

The Girl who did everything wrong.  Very pretty, great voice, surgically enhanced, likes to gamble.  You chose her before she was born.  Also a shape-shifter like your Dad and Choice Number One.  The Queen of Blow-jobs.  She has stalked you for a long time and causes the nightmare known as the "cat dream."  She is very good friends with Choice Number Two.  You have come close to death on her birthday several times and you got shot in the head on your birthday because you were on a date with someone else and she wants that girl's breast material.  She is really into your things but does not really know how to love you.  Refused you several times and pretends not to know you, unless she is on stage.  Has hooked up with a lot of players.  Spent time with Kobe Bryant after the Colorado thing.  Went on vacation after you ran the gauntlet for her.  She wants the alien book.  She has a cute bodyguard.  Her Sugar Daddy is dead.  She is funny.  God hates her.  Her mom is a lunatic.

Choice Number Four:

The Girl that did nothing right.  You have been intimate with her.  You tried to show her what is necessary to be the wife.  You took the bullet in the head to protect her and she rewards you with an attempt on your life in bed.  She never stays the night with you and she has been powerless to do the job she was destined to do; kill your sister.  She is jealous of the girl you chose but has spent time with her and her friends.  Her mom is a lunatic.

Choice Number Five:

Has met the others.  Does not like them.  Likes kids and understands money somewhat.  Possibly a shape-shifter as well.  Looks like Natalie Portman but will not do much except flirt.  Her dad is a calculating asshole and opportunist who likes screwing around a lot.  You get the feeling she is only in it for the money as well.  Expects you to chase her when you are starving and apparently thinks you have not suffered enough.  Asks you if you want to have sex with your own daughter.

Other choices:

The Unavailable.

The Incompatible.

The Flirtatious.

The Busy.

The Steely-Grey Eyed.

The Back Talker.

The Shy.

The Much Too Young.

The Married.

The Believer in pre-nuptial agreements.

What would you do?