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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Jesus Now and Then

From the old blog.  Originally posted on my 45th Birthday
 
Jesus Then (From the Book of Matthew): 
 
Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me...Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it. 
 
 
Me Now:
 
If you prefer giving your old boyfriend a chance rather than go on a first date with me, then you do not love me.  Good Luck!
 
If you would rather be with Kobe Bryant than me, then you do not love me.
 
If you respond to me, when I ask you for a sandwich, "The next time I hear from you, I wanna hear you are engaged." then you are Audrey Israel and a complete fuck-up.
 
If you sing a song like "Crazy in Love" I am glad I never chose you because it is obvious Beyonce Knowles does not love me.  Ring the Alarm only proves women can be motivated to do the right thing through jealousy.  Good thing I never chose you, bitch.  You might have run off with Kamil!  These days Beyonce is bigger than Jesus.  THAT HAS TO END!
 
If you think you can call me up and use me to help you build a case for a divorce against my best friend then you are a cruel bitch, Karen, who only follows the advice of your stupid divorcée friends.  Never expect me to talk to you again.
 
If I tell you I need a hand out and you complain about your dog's surgery then you are Steve Tann, a self-important Trojan.  I am sorry I prayed for you to get a job.  What a waste of a mitzvah.
 
If you turn away from me because a couple of women exposing some cleavage show up then you are a typical man in this world.
 
If I pay you for a massage and you ride my tail bone for your "happy ending" then there is not much I can say.  You are a typical woman; you think you can use me and get away with it.
 
If you are a woman who thinks it's funny to tell me "You're late!" then you obviously listened to what someone else told you to say.  It never occurred to you I might come back and throw that piece of crap back in your face again.
 
If you care more about enabling my evil sister you are my Dad, the biggest fool that ever lived.
 
If you love me but come try to kill me, then you are going to Hell.
 
If you could not comprehend the simple statement "Moshiach is here if we just open our eyes to him" then go watch a cartoon.
 
If you expect me to accept the worthless apologies of would be assassins then what you are really saying is people should try to kill me to become good friends to me.
 
If you think I am someone else's problem, then you have a problem.
 
If you think Balance of Power is a fun game then you are part of what is destroying this world.
 
I do not have the time to go up to every man and woman and little boy and girl to explain it to all of you.  
 
There are too many of you.

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